I was in the army for 5 months, all of which was spent in the hell that was Basic Combat Training. I injured my back after two months, and it took them another three to figure out that it wasn’t healing, and to process me out of there. I can’t think about it too much without getting really worked up, inducing panic attacks almost.
Now that i’ve been out for a month and a half, i keep having these very vivid dreams where it’s like somehow i’ve been sent back to Basic Combat Training, like they say they "figured out i was faking my back injury" (a severe point of conflict when i was in… they always harassed me about my back saying i was faking it no matter how much i tried to explain how the spasms would bring me to tears… they even had a polygraph institute on base that i begged them to send me to to prove i wasn’t lying about the pain… and now i’m ranting and already worked up a bit thinking about that stuff…. ugh)
I’ve even gotten to the point of trying hard to think about other things before i go to bed so my dreams aren’t near that topic, to no avail.
The only thing that made a difference was when i realized that technically, there was no possible way i could be sent back to the army (without going through a board of doctors and whatnot to have my discharge overturned) and especially not by accident, as it would take serious motivation and time (and luck) to be able to get back in, and with that i actually had a dream last night where i realized "This is a dream! There’s no way i can be back here!" but on the verge of becoming lucid and gaining control, the nightmare just got stronger as the antagonists closed in on me, tormenting me and dismissing that idea that i was dreaming…. and that’s the only part of it i can really remember.
I honestly have woken up in a gasp, in cold sweats before, from these nightmares.
I wonder if this is a sign of some kinda post traumatic stress disorder stuff… something i should go talk with a counselor about? Lord knows i was on the verge of nervous breakdown when i was there… another thing i try very hard to forget.
I’m in college now working towards another degree. I still wear my dog tags and have a panic reaction to any vehicles i see matching what my drill sergeants each had (kind of a long story, why all us soldiers know the connection between what vehicle is at the barracks, and what drill sergeants are there, so seeing any of these vehicles hits reactive nerves of "Oh crud it’s drill sergeant so-and-so!"… i guess it wasn’t that long of a story…. you had to have been there)
I mean right now i kind of fear going to bed… in case i end up back there again.
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